A different kind of blog post.

Y'all it's time to get real. I usually try to spend my energy focused on positive, beautiful things. Reminding y'all that you're powerful forces to be reckoned with. That you deserve to be valued for the unique, and captivating beautiful creatures that you are. Showing you folks who've allowed me to join them on their journey of self discovery, and healing. All of that is still true, but in an effort to be the most authentic version of myself, and practice what I preach I'm going to get real with y'all. 

Above all else I want to sprinkle love, joy, and happiness all around me. It's my why. It fills my heart with joy, and makes me feel like my life has purpose. It's why I decided to open BDP after so many years of keeping my work to myself. That said I've been struggling.

We've all had a rough two years. Covid has kicked so many folks who were already struggling in the teeth, and made those of us who felt we had it all figured out second guess things. In some ways it's been devasting for many, and the loss of life, and changes we've all experienced are still far worse than anything silly old me has experienced. However, as the mama bear who yells at others that 'your struggles are valid' I'm going to yell into a mirror. (To be clear, I’m sharing with the hope that this may help some of you who are struggling feel less alone, and maybe take some steps towards a happier and healthier you.)

After spending 2020 in a very abusive environment, I finally snapped out of it, and decided to take control in 2021 before it killed me. It's now been a year (to the week actually), and so much has changed. First, I started therapy, and saying it has been life changing is an understatement. (Shout out to Talkspace!) I've learned so much about myself, and through it have found my strength, reinvigorated my confidence, and developed a more defined path forward guided by love and joy. Learning I have operated from a place of layered trauma for so long opened up my eyes to my most authentic self. Also, discovering so many of my “quirks” were undiagnosed ADHD helped me learn to give myself, and others some grace, and learn more about neurodiversity. For the first time in three decades I am finally taking time to actually care for myself both emotionally, and physically, and addressing some serious health issues I've ignored for too long. I finally know who I am and what I want, and no longer subscribe to labels other placed upon me.

Now saying these things doesn't mean my journey is over. I continue to evaluate myself and try to find new ways to be connected, and authentic in everything I do. I find portraiture continues to be a useful tool in my self discovery. Through my art I've learned to really look at myself, and learned to appreciate the subtle things. The things I overlooked while I criticized myself for my frizzy hair, tiny tummy pooch or the emotional distance I used to protect myself.. It's funny because I'd never dare criticize someone else the way I criticized myself, and yet it felt so instinctual.

I wish I could say that I'm cured. No more harsh self critiques. That I'm impervious to the cruel words of others. That I will never let the opinions of others color my actions, and keep me from what my heart truly desires but I'd be bullshitting you. Because the truth is learning to love yourself, and be the best version of you is a journey with highs, lows, and setbacks along the way. The important thing is that we keep trying. Climb that mountain one step, and day at a time. Continue to chip away at the awful, negative things we allow to keep us from growing into the beautiful butterflies that we truly are. 

My wish for all of you this year is simple. Force yourself to care for yourself, and prioritize your needs, even when it feels selfish. Do things that make your soul shine brightly. Forgive yourself, and others. Invest in your healing. Take a chance and listen to your heart. We have but one life and it is so fragile. I implore you to live it authentically and without regret.